


love, as much as i am capable

by foreignconstellations



Series: nothing more to take in [2]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-16 20:05:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9287723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreignconstellations/pseuds/foreignconstellations
Summary: Lukas’ arms tighten around him again, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s probably thinking about how, eventually, someone is going to pull them apart, and even if it’s only for a minute that’s still a minute too long. Philip doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to think about it, but he also wants to tell Lukas that, no matter what happens, he’s always going tocome back.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aroacejeanprouvaire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroacejeanprouvaire/gifts).



> warning for brief discussion of disordered eating and implied child abuse
> 
> this was meant to be one scene. then i needed 4000 words to get to that point and now it's the longest thing i've ever finished

Philip comes awake slowly, awareness coming in increments. One of his arms is slung across another person. The bed they’re on is too small for two people. The other person in the bed is Lukas. Lukas, with his bright hair and bright smile and bright heart. Philip can hear him breathing, slow and deep. It’s his favourite sound.

He registers the beeping, next. It takes a moment to place it, not shrill or unpleasant enough to be his alarm. Then he remembers: it’s a heart monitor. They’re in a hospital. Lukas has a bullet wound in his right shoulder. Lukas was shot. Philip saw it happen. Philip had a gun pressed against his ribcage. Someone is coming-

No, no. He’s gone. Helen shot him. Helen shot him, and she held Philip, and her voice had shaken when she’d said, “I’m sorry, Philip, I’m so sorry, I couldn’t get there in time-“

Oh. That’s right.

Philip swallows, and opens his eyes to another day in a world without his mother.

*

Lukas isn’t awake yet, which is good, because he needs his rest, and Philip needs a little time to try and process all that happened in the hospital yesterday.

He feels guilty for letting himself cry on Lukas, of all people. Lukas is in a hospital bed with a bullet wound, a wound that reopened when he got knocked out and shoved in the boot of a car. Philip should be taking care of him, should be strong for him, but his own sadness was so heavy, and he’d been trying to hold back all the pain and loss and misery ever since Helen told him what had happened, and Lukas was now the only person in the world Philip trusted with his whole heart. So he’d let go, and he’d only meant it to be for a minute, but once he started letting himself cry he couldn’t stop.

And yet, it hadn’t been as bad as it could’ve been, because Lukas had been there. That’s another thing for Philip to feel guilty about, because he owes it to his mother to feel this grief in its entirety. But Lukas had held him, had kissed his hair, had cried with him, and a small part of Philip had, in spite of everything, felt comforted. Because Lukas was, after everything, still here with him. Still wanted Philip to stay. He doesn’t know how to deal with feeling wanted. Even his mother, the last time he saw her, she wanted him somewhere else, away from her, like she was bad even though for so long she was the one good thing in Philip’s life; everything else could’ve been hell as long as he had her.

Now he doesn’t have her anymore.

He can feel himself starting to cry again, and he clenches his jaw against the tears. He doesn’t want to think about it, but he feels like he should, because shoving this away is like shoving his mother away, and he can’t do that. But his default response to hurt has always been to shut down, to compartmentalise, to push it aside for later (or never). He doesn’t know how to pretend this isn’t tearing him apart inside.

He wants to go home. He wants none of this to ever have happened. He wants his _mom_ -

He feels Lukas’ arms tighten around him, and Philip realises his hands are clenched in Lukas’ hospital gown. Philip takes a breath, shuts his eyes against the tears he can feel welling up, and forces his hands to relax. He’s not going to break down again. Not right now.

When he opens his eyes, Lukas is looking down at him. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Philip says, and it comes out a little croakier than he’d like, so he clears his throat and tries again. “How’re you feeling?”

“Okay,” Lukas says. “You?”

Philip opens his mouth to say that he’s okay, too, because that’s his default response, but he stops himself. He’s not okay, he doesn’t want to pretend he’s okay, he just doesn’t want to _pretend_. Not around Lukas (and he’s pretty sure Lukas would see through him if he did). He says, “I’m glad you’re awake,” because it’s true.

Lukas gives him one of those soft looks that make Philip’s heart clench. He says, “I’m glad you’re still here.”

“I’m not going to leave,” Philip says, even though he knows, logically, he’s going to have to go eventually. Gabe’s going to come back; or worse, Bo. He doesn’t want to, though, doesn’t want to let Lukas out of his sight ever again. Being able to see him, touch him, makes all the mess in Philip’s head a little softer, a little easier to deal with.

Lukas’ arms tighten around him again, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s probably thinking about how, eventually, someone is going to pull them apart, and even if it’s only for a minute that’s still a minute too long. Philip doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to think about it, but he also wants to tell Lukas that, no matter what happens, he’s always going to _come back_.

At the beginning, it was like what they saw in the cabin, and all the things that followed, were holding them together, linking them like string on a murder board. And now it’s over, it’s really over, but Philip still feels tied to Lukas. He can’t imagine his life without Lukas anymore. He doesn’t want to. He cannot lose this. He’s come close already, and that was-

He doesn’t want to think about it. He shifts a little, lets his head rest on Lukas’ chest so he can hear his heartbeat. “This okay?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, and kisses the top of Philip’s head in that soft way he does. Philip shuts his eyes, listens to Lukas’ breathing and the sound of his heartbeat like he used to listen to the water, and tries to feel safe. Lukas holds him, lets him lie there quietly and figure out how to exist.

*

Philip’s not sure how long they lie there, but it’s not that long before a nurse comes in.

“You need to get out of the bed,” she tells Philip, not unkindly. “The wound’s already been aggravated, we need to jostle him as little as possible.”

Philip flushes. He knows he should’ve slept in the chair last night, knows he’s just making things worse again, but Lukas had pleaded with him, had _needed_ him, and Philip had needed Lukas too. He’d do it again.

He doesn’t say anything as he extricates himself gently from Lukas and moves to the chair beside the bed, doesn’t even look at Lukas. He knows Lukas gets uncomfortable when people see them together; Philip’s not that comfortable with it himself, especially when it’s a stranger. What they have, what they’re going through, is private, and Philip likes it that way.

But then Lukas reaches out to take his hand, and Philip almost smiles.

*

Lukas keeps holding Philip’s hand while the nurse checks him over, taking his blood pressure and checking his monitors and doing other things Philip doesn’t really understand but tries to pay attention to, because he wants to make sure that Lukas is okay. She seems to be satisfied with what she finds, and as she turns to go she tells them, “Breakfast will be here soon,” and Philip hears the implied, “So if you get back in the bed I will _know_ ,” and flushes. Lukas squeezes his hand though, and Philip squeezes back.

“You’re okay,” he says, because he still can’t quite believe it, still can’t quite believe Lukas is awake to hear it.

Lukas squeezes his hand again. “Yeah,” he says. And then, “Are you?”

Philip’s not, he’s really not, even with Lukas holding his hand and making things that little bit better. He just keeps _remembering_. His mother is dead. He doesn’t know how to explain any of that to Lukas, but he’s saved from having to figure it out by the arrival of the breakfast trolley.

Getting Lukas into a sitting position is easier now that they’ve mostly figured out what all the buttons on his bed do. Like yesterday, Lukas shoves the stuff onto the tray into his mouth indiscriminately. It’s kind of gross, but the fact that Lukas is awake and alive to be eating tasteless hospital food makes Philip almost want to smile again.

Halfway through eating, Lukas turns to him. “You haven’t eaten anything.”

Philip shrugs. “Not hungry,” he says automatically, but it’s a lie and he wants to take it back, because he didn’t want to lie to Lukas anymore. He _is_ hungry, he _knows_ he needs to eat, he just doesn’t _want_ to. But he doesn’t know how to explain how not eating when he’s upset became a habit, doesn’t know how to explain how the dull pain of hunger turns into a comfort. How sometimes he just doesn’t _deserve_ to eat, that it’s easier to just refuse. He doesn’t want Lukas to know, doesn’t ever want him to need to understand. His mom is never going to eat anything again.

Lukas’ brow furrows. “When was the last time you ate?” he asks, and Philip honestly can’t remember. That hasn’t happened since before he came to Tivoli. He glances around, trying to find something to say, and spots the sandwich Gabe brought him last night, forgotten on a side table.

“Fine, I’ll eat this,” Philip says, trying to sound unconcerned as he reaches for the sandwich and unwraps the packaging. “Happy?”

Lukas raises his eyebrows. “Day old cafeteria food?”

Philip shrugs. “Better than hospital food,” he says, and takes a stubborn bite.

*

He manages to finish the whole sandwich before Gabe arrives.

“I know you want to stay,” he says, while Philip scowls. “But, Philip, can you come back home just for a little while? Just for some real food.” It hurts, because when Gabe says, “home,” all Philip thinks about is the place he and his mom had in New York, and how he’s never going to go back there. How his last moments there were with the man who killed her.

“And a shower,” Gabe adds, and it does occur to Philip then that, aside from having barely eaten, he hasn’t showered or changed since before everything happened; which used to not be so uncommon for him, but Tivoli has different standards of “acceptable” than New York does.

“You do kind of smell, dude,” Lukas says. “I wasn’t gonna mention it.”

“Thanks,” says Philip, dryly. “Because you smell like a bed of roses right now.”

Lukas shrugs, and tries to hide how he winces afterwards, and Philip doesn’t want to leave him. He keeps telling himself that they’re safe now, for real, but the panicked part of his brain doesn’t seem to be getting the message. If he keeps looking at Lukas, keeps talking to him, that helps; Philip doesn’t want to let him out of his sight.

Lukas squeezes his hand. “Hey,” he says. “I’m not going anywhere.” And it’s a joke, because he literally can’t get out of bed, but it’s also exactly what Philip needs to hear.

“I promise, Philip,” Gabe says. “We’ll come straight back.”

Philip looks at Lukas for a long moment, fixing this moment in his mind like it’s a photograph, adding it to all the other Lukas moments he has in his head. Then he says, “Okay.”

He makes Gabe leave the room before him, so he can kiss Lukas goodbye.

*

They pass Bo Waldenbeck in the hospital lobby. Philip shrinks behind Gabe automatically – not that Bo would try anything, not here, but. Philip doesn’t trust him. Bo doesn’t even look at them as they walk past.

As they walk to the car, Gabe turns to him. “You still worried about Bo?”

Philip nods, jerkily. “Yeah. I mean, he hasn’t said anything, but.” But he didn’t come to see Lukas when he woke up, and he won’t even look at Philip, and Lukas had spent so long being scared of _everyone_ , but especially his dad, and even now, doesn’t want him around.

Gabe sighs. “He’s trying, son,” he says, and Philip doesn’t say anything else until they’re in the car and driving towards Tivoli.

Then he says, “I don’t think Bo wants us to be together.” Gabe’s quiet for a moment, then opens his mouth to respond, but Philip keeps talking. “He’s not. He’s not okay with me, and he’s not going to be okay with Lukas, and I’m scared that-“ then he stops, because he doesn’t really know how to articulate what he’s afraid of.

“Philip,” Gabe says, low and calm. “We won’t let him make you stop seeing each other.”

“It’s not that,” says Philip, because it really isn’t. They’ve been through too much to let something like their parents get in the way. “I’m worried about Lukas.”

Gabe’s quiet for a moment, then asks, “Do you think Bo would hurt Lukas?”

Philip shrugs, because he doesn’t know anything for sure, but he knows fear when he sees it, and he sees it when Lukas talks about his dad. Bo scares Philip, too. Gruff, imposing men like him were never his mom’s type, but there were enough around his old neighbourhood that Philip knows to trust his instincts. He knew kids that were scared like Lukas was. It took him a long time to realise that not all children had something they were scared to come home to.

He says, “I don’t know, I don’t know, I just-“

“Hey,” Gabe says. “It’s okay.” It doesn’t feel okay, but Philip trusts Gabe. He’s always been nice to him, and Philip doesn’t really understand why. He thinks Gabe would make a good dad.

Gabe’s quiet for a bit, then says. “You can be at the hospital as much as you want. And you tell Lukas, when he gets out, that our home is always open to him if he needs it. You two can hang out there as much as you want.”

Philip lets his shoulders relax. It doesn’t fix things, but it might help. Having a place where they’re safe, and they don’t have to hide. “Thanks.”

They don’t talk much more on the way back to Tivoli, but Gabe does take a detour through Red Hook to pick up Chinese from the place Philip likes.

*

Gabe and Helen’s house is exactly the same as it was when Philip was last there. It feels like it should be different – like the furniture should be upended and the walls ripped out, like the house should look how Philip feels. But it’s just as he left it.

Gabe goes into the kitchen with Helen, getting ready to divvy up the food, while Philip heads upstairs to shower. He lingers a moment, in the room that’s not really his room, no matter how much Gabe tells him it is. He doesn’t feel like he belongs there. Without his mom, he doesn’t really belong anywhere.

Except, maybe, with Lukas.

He showers quickly. Water used to always calm him down, but now it just makes him think of Lukas lying in the pond, staining the water red, how Philip had had to scrub Lukas’ blood off of his hands and from under his nails.

When he gets out of the shower, it takes a moment to find his only other pair of jeans. He pulls them on, then resumes digging around in his drawers till he finds what he’s looking for – one of Lukas’ shirts. He actually has a few – one snuck out of Lukas’ bag one time Philip was shooting videos, one taken from the floor of the guest room the night Lukas stayed over, another from when Lukas had taken him out to the water to swim. Philip had snatched it away when Lukas had started pulling his clothes back on, teasing, trying to make Lukas laugh (and maybe to prolong looking at Lukas with his shirt off. He never got tired of that). And Lukas had laughed, had chased him round the edge of the water, had quickly caught up with him, and then they’d ended up on the ground with Philip’s own shirt half off and Lukas’ tongue in his mouth. When they’d finally parted ways, they were wearing each other’s shirts.

Thinking about it makes Philip’s insides feel warm and soft, like the fabric of the shirt feels on his skin. Lukas’ shirts are all so much softer and more worn than the clothes Helen and Gabe buy for him; those always feel too stiff or scratchy, so far removed from the clothes he brought from home, clothes he’s been wearing for years. Most of them are gone now – Helen threw them out because they were “full of holes, Philip, you don’t need to wear them anymore”. So he wears Lukas’ shirts whenever he can get away with it, because they feel right on his skin, and because they smell like Lukas, and because Lukas has this way of _looking_ at him when Philip wears his clothes that Philip likes a whole lot. He pulls the shirt from the day at the water over his head – it’s dark blue, which is more Lukas’ colour than his, but somehow that just makes Philip like it more.

*

He can hear Gabe and Helen talking in the kitchen, not quite arguing, but not happy. He knows it’s about him before he can even make out the words, but he’s used to it. He hasn’t walked into a room without taking a moment to eavesdrop and gauge the tone since before middle school.

“I just don’t see why you need to take him back to the hospital so soon,” he hears Helen say, and Philip freezes. They can’t keep him from Lukas, without even a way to contact him. He’ll hitchhike to Poughkeepsie if he has to.

Gabe says, “He wants to be with Lukas, babe. I don’t blame him, after what they went through.”

“We don’t even really know what was!” Helen says. “He was lying to us this whole time, we need to talk about this.”

“He’s a scared kid, Helen,” Gabe says, in a voice that is trying very hard to be calm and soft. Philip likes that about Gabe, that he always tries. “And his mother just died. He was nearly killed himself. I think he and Lukas both deserve some time.”

“Fine, but they need time with their families as well,” Helen says, and Philip wants to scream, his mother _was_ his family and now she’s _gone_. He doesn’t understand this thing that’s happening where Helen thinks she’s his mother now but he wants it to stop.

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea for Lukas right now,” Gabe says, and that’s when Philip steps into the room, because he knows Gabe is trying to help but he also knows Lukas really wouldn’t like people talking about his relationship with his dad.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” he says, calm as can be, and sits down at the table. He doesn’t look at either of them.

They get through lunch quietly. Philip remembers before the murders, when they’d always talk over meals, and sometimes it’d be stilted and awkward when they tried to include him, but at least they talked. He doesn’t really taste the food, just lets it fill his stomach, lets eating pass the time. His head’s already back with Lukas. He does remember what Gabe said, about how they don’t need to see each other to know the other is safe, but it doesn’t feel that way. Especially when Lukas is with Bo.

Philip’s nearly finished when Gabe excuses himself to the bathroom, and leaves him alone with Helen. It’s hard to forget that the last time they were alone together, she killed a man. He would’ve killed Philip, nearly did kill Lukas, so Philip’s not sad he’s dead. But he’s seen so many bodies, heard so many gunshots. He really didn’t need to see another death, at the hands of someone he’s supposed to trust.

He hears Helen set her chopsticks down on her plate. He raises his eyes from his own food to find her looking at him, and though her face is trying to be kind her eyes are too searching for him to be at ease.

She says, “Philip, when you’re ready, I am going to need a statement from you.”

Philip stares at her. “What?”

“About what happened at the cabin,” Helen says.

Philip looks away from her. He doesn’t want to think about that, he doesn’t want to remember it. All it does is make him panic and want to look over his shoulder, want to reach out and find Lukas and make sure he’s safe. He’s spent so long just not thinking about the cabin, because if he starts he can’t stop. He remembers the sound of gunshots, bodies on the floor, that guy’s blood spilling out of his head and spreading so close to Philip’s fingertips. He remembers having a gun in his face, remembers thinking he was going to die-

“Philip,” Helen says, and Philip realises he’d gone somewhere else in his head. He wasn’t in the cabin anymore. He was safe. Helen continues, “I know it’s hard, but while the memories are still fresh is the best time to go over them.”

He looks at her across the table, strong and solid and righteous. She’d been right about him all along, after all. He’s been lying this whole time. He doesn’t regret it, not at all, but it is what it is.

He doesn’t want to talk to Helen about it. He doesn’t want to tell her anything.

Helen stares him down, and it looks like she’s about to push him again, but then Gabe comes back in the room, and before she can say anything Philip says, “When can I go back to the hospital?”

Gabe frowns at him, at both of them, but Philip doesn’t want to talk about it. Ever since he first got to Tivoli, it’s been like he’s always caught between the two of them. Gabe just keeps defending him, even when it makes him fight with Helen, and Philip doesn’t really get why, but he just doesn’t want them to fight. Especially not because of him.

Gabe says, “If you’ve finished your lunch, we can go now.”

Philip pushes himself away from the table, standing up. He doesn’t look at Helen, even though he can feel her looking at him. “Yeah,” he says, “I’m done.”

“Wait, Philip, before you go,” Helen says, and Philip really doesn’t want to do this right now, he needs to be away from here, he needs to get back to Lukas. “I had to take Lukas’ phone when he was under protective detail, but now that you’re safe, maybe you could return it for me?”

That’s not at all what Philip expected her to say. “Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Great,” she says. “I’ll just go grab it for you.”

Gabe watches her leave, then turns back to Philip. “Everything okay?”

Philip makes himself nod. “Yeah,” he says. “I just, I really want to get back soon,” and Gabe doesn’t push him any further.

*

Their drive back to the hospital is quieter than the one earlier in the day. Philip keeps Lukas’ phone in his hands, just holding it. Gabe lets him sit in silence the whole way. It’s only when they’re walking into the hospital that he says, “I’m sorry, Philip, but you can’t stay overnight again. I’ll need to pick you up when visiting hours are over.”

Philip swallows. He doesn’t want to think about leaving. About going back to Helen and Gabe’s and sleeping in that room alone. But Gabe’s done so much for him, so he says, “Okay. But I can stay the whole time, right?”

Gabe smiles. “The whole time.”

*

Bo’s not there when they get back. Philip doesn’t know where he went, and he doesn’t care, because Lukas’ face lights up when Philip walks in. Philip doesn’t really know how to deal with that.

“Brought you a present,” he says, and tosses the phone into Lukas’ lap. He hesitates a moment, because he overwhelmingly wants to get back in the bed with Lukas, and he thinks Lukas would let him, but it also doesn’t feel like a good idea, especially because he doesn’t know where Bo might’ve gone. So he sits in the chair by the bed instead, but to compromise, he pulls it as close to the bed as he can.

Lukas looks up from where he’d been examining his phone. “Did you bring my charger?”

Philip frowns. “It’s dead?” Lukas nods. “Sorry, Helen didn’t have the charger.” He feels like he’s disappointed Lukas, bringing him a phone he can’t even use. But Lukas is still smiling when he looks back at Philip.

“It’s cool,” he says. Then, “You’re back.”

“Told you I would be,” Philip says. “You miss me that much?”

Lukas blushes. “I was bored without you.”

“Didn’t your dad come by?” Philip asks. He still doesn’t know where Bo is, if there’s the chance he’ll walk in again at any moment. It’s keeping him from reach out to touch Lukas like he wants to.

Lukas looks a little sad at the mention of his dad. “Yeah. He was here right after you left, but. I told him you were coming back, and he left pretty quick.”

Philip looks away. “I’m sorry.”

Lukas hesitates, but then says, “It’s, it’s okay. I’d rather have you here anyway.”

“Oh.” Philip’s not used to being the one people would rather have around. He doesn’t know how to respond in words, but he lets his hands come up to rest on Lukas’ arm, just to have some contact.

“Yeah,” Lukas says. They’re both quiet for a minute, but it’s a comfortable silence. Philip can feel pars of himself relaxing, just from being with Lukas again. Then Lukas says, “Everything okay?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“Yeah, well,” Lukas says. “I’m asking you.”

Philip doesn’t know what to say. Everything’s not okay, there are so many things that aren’t okay. But he knows he’s going to go over all of them over and over in his room tonight, staring at the ceiling in the dark. He doesn’t want to bring that up with Lukas now, he doesn’t want this moment to be a repeat of yesterday. So he thinks of the things that are good, because they are there, and he says, “I’m glad you’re awake.”

Lukas frowns. “What?”

Maybe this isn’t the best conversation topic.  “I mean. I’m glad you’re okay. You’re going to be okay.” Lukas is still frowning, and Philip wants that to stop, and he wants to explain, at least a little. “I was scared, before. That you were going to go into another coma.” He’s stroking Lukas’ arms, letting the little, rhythmic movements ground him. “Sorry, you probably don’t want to talk about this.”

“It’s cool,” Lukas says, but Philip isn’t convinced, so he doesn’t say anything more, trying to drop the subject. But then Lukas says, “My dad said they had people come in and talk to me. Before, I mean.”

Philip swallows. “Yeah, they, uh. They said hearing the voices of people you knew might make you wake up.”

Lukas laughs a little at that, which makes Philip stare at him. “That’s so weird. I thought they only did that in movies.” Philip doesn’t say anything. It had felt kind of like a movie for him, too, some of the time. Other times it felt all too real. “So, what did you do, to try and get me to wake up?”

Philip flushes. “I don’t know,” he says, “a few things.” He glances up at Lukas, just to see him smiling, and looking at ease, and alive, and maybe they can talk about this. And if Lukas wants to talk about this, Philip’s going to be as honest as he can, so he says, “Like, I played you our playlist.”

Lukas’ smile turns from teasing to something soft and pleased. “Aw, sweet,” he says, and it feels like it’s meant to be teasing still, but Philip hears the sincerity in it. He feels the corners of his mouth turn up, before he makes himself look away from Lukas’ face. He’s not quite ready to have a _moment_ about this. It feels too fresh. So he looks at his hands on Lukas’ arm and says, “And I played some videos from your channel, and. Just talked to you, I guess.”

“What did you say?” Lukas asks, and Philip’s fingers still.

He thinks: I told you what it feels like when I watch you on your bike, how you look beautiful and invincible, how it feels like you’re a sun and I’m dragged into orbit around you. I told you how it felt to sleep next to you, and how I want to do that every night for the rest of my life. I told you I forgive you for all the shit you’ve ever said, because I know you never meant it, because when you’re with me I feel wanted and cared for and safe. I begged and I pleaded with you to come back to me, because the truth is I’ve been aching for you my whole life. He says: “I don’t know, stuff.”

“Come on,” Lukas says, “What did you say? I can actually listen and respond, now.” As if Philip would ever have said any of that stuff if he thought Lukas would be able to respond to it. Philip tends more towards gestures than words for a reason; things don’t come out right when he speaks, especially when it’s about his feelings.

So he doesn’t look at Lukas, and says, “I don’t remember.”

Lukas scoffs. “Okay, yeah, sure, you don’t remember anything you said, anything at all,” and Philip-

He’s been thinking, of polaroid cameras in brown paper bags, of being held close amongst haystacks, of kisses against his hair, of entwined hands on a motel bed. He’s been thinking of a feeling in his stomach, not pain so much as the feel of falling that turns into flying. He’s thinking about the strange mix of ambiguity and certainty that’s carried through their entire relationship; they’re both better at gestures than words, and Philip likes that a lot, but sometimes there’s something to be said for labels. He’s been thinking that Bo Waldenbeck is not an affectionate man, and there has been no one else to tell Lukas that he’s loved since he was six years old.

He’s been thinking, he could have told his mother he loved her every day of his life, and it wouldn’t have been enough. She had to know, just like he knows in his bones that she loved him, but he is never going to be able to be truly sure, and he never wants to have to feel like this again.

So he swallows his fears, looks up into Lukas’ face, and says, “I said I loved you.” There it is, he said it. Now it’s real, and that means it can get taken away, but Philip will fight like hell to keep Lukas by his side as long as Lukas wants to be there.

If Lukas wants to be there. He’s looking back at Philip and his eyes are so wide, and Philip thought this was the right thing to do but now he’s not so sure. He’s normally good at reading Lukas’ face, but all he can register right now is _shock_. Then Lukas says, “You love me?” very softly, and Philip looks away. Lukas _didn’t know_ , and what if that means he’s been doing it wrong this whole time? He doesn’t know how to be in love, but he’d tried, and he’d tried to show it until he’d been ready to say it, but if Lukas didn’t know that makes _everything_ wrong.

And then Lukas says, “I mean, I love you too,” and it knocks all Philip’s breath out of him. Because he’d sort of suspected, sort of known, but somehow hearing it is so different to anything he expected. _I love you_. _I love you_. Lukas _loves_ him.

He says, “You don’t. You don’t have to say it if you don’t-“ and then stops, because that’s not something you say, that’s not how you react, he’s doing it wrong, but he needs to make sure Lukas isn’t just saying it because he thinks he has to, or something.

“Philip,” Lukas says, and he’s holding Philip’s hand, so Philip looks up at him again, and. And Lukas is smiling so wide, and his eyes are so bright, and he looks like Philip feels when he looks at Lukas. He’s looking at Philip like Philip’s the best thing to ever happen to him, and Philip can’t breathe again. “I love you.”

This time, Philip really believes him. He’s out of the chair before he knows what he’s doing, he’s perching on the edge of the bed and leaning over Lukas, and he’s pressing their lips together, because he can’t not. He pulls back for a moment, so he can tell Lukas, “I love you,” while he’s awake, so he can see that heart-stopping smile again, and then he goes back to kissing him, again and again and again. Lukas’ hands come up to cup Philip’s face, and Philip wants to touch Lukas too, but he’s sitting precariously on the bed and doesn’t want to put weight on Lukas and accidentally hurt him, so he settles for kissing him, letting himself be kissed back. It’s the first time since the cabin where they’ve kissed and been _safe_ , and Philip feels shaky with relief, that they both made it here, that they’re okay.

And then he remembers how his mom _isn’t_ okay, how she _didn’t_ make it, and he has to pull back from Lukas to try and control himself. He doesn’t go far though, because he likes the feeling of Lukas’ hands on his face. “Sorry, I just-“

“It’s okay,” Lukas says, looking at him all searching and worried. “What’s wrong?”

Philip wants to say so many things, but all that comes out is, “I miss my mom.”

Lukas pulls him forward gently, then tilts his head down so Lukas can press a gentle kiss to his forehead. He says, “Me too.”

Philip lets his head drop onto Lukas’ shoulder. “Sorry,” he says, because he can feel himself starting to cry again, and he doesn’t want to, but it’s just too much. He feels so empty and ragged without his mom, but Lukas can still make him happier than he’s ever been, and it’s all mixed up and _too much_.

Lukas’ hands move, one up to rest in Philip’s hair and one on the back of his neck, anchoring him. Philip shudders, not even sure why. He feels _so much_. “It’s okay,” Lukas says, then, “I love you,” and that’s when Philip starts crying, but the words also make him smile in spite of himself. Just for a moment, but it’s enough. It’s a start.


End file.
